…makes no difference where you are…because wishing on stars is a wonderful pastime and something I hope I will always do but you can’t rely on stars to get you where you want to go.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my goals and quest of achieving celebrity but also how I’ve not really addressed publicly why I have them. These ideas have been weighing on my mind and I need to write them down. I don’t care about being famous for the sake of fame. That’s not what I’m ultimately pursuing. I’m not going to pretend I’m some sort fantastically humble person who wouldn’t be filled with satisfaction from thousands of people knowing my name. And I can’t deny that recognition is something I want. But I’ve considered the other side of that scenario and it’s rather ugly. Celebrity means fighting for your privacy and, in all likelihood, not getting the personal life that you want. Normalcy becomes the unobtainable. It means compromising yourself for your art; not in a moral way, though that’s possible, but in that you become a slave to opportunity.
However a personal life and normalcy is something I’ve become willing to sacrifice. Something I’ve already begun to sacrifice. The question one asks is, “dreams or this?” Dreams or a relationship? Dreams or staying comfortable? The answer in my mind has become “dreams”.
Celebrity means something else, though: success. This is why I seek it. Fame means I can survive off my art. Fame means at least the illusion of security in an industry that has very little to hold on to. I by no means need an Oscar or a Grammy - though my nature is to try for the best even if I don’t have to so I’d probably end up pursuing critical acclaim. If I can sing or act or dance or write for living I will have already achieved a life I will never regret for a single fraction of a moment.
You may often see me say “when I’m famous” and talk as if it is certainty. This is not overconfidence but blind faith and desperate affirmation. I talk this way because I am trying to convince the future that this is what it will become when it grows up. I am well acquainted with reality and overconfidence isn’t one of things I posses. I have confidence in myself and I am keenly aware of my own abilities but I have no confidence in the future. The future is sly and takes no pleasure in what’s easy.
I find my supporters have far greater confidence in me. I am told, with surprising regularity, that I am going to be a star. I almost feel like those flattering sentiments mock me. Like everyone knows some truth that is hidden only from me. It can be bizarrely frustrating because I crave their surety. The future obscuring simplicity once again.
Their confidence surrounds me with expectations I never considered I’d face. Other people are a part of my journey. Other people expect things of me now. It is both a blessing and a curse: it encourages me and gives me more reasons to try harder, but it also makes the prospect of failure more terrifying than that already terrifying prospect is. It is a contradiction because it makes trying all the harder. Those who don’t fly can’t fall but those who don’t fly won’t fly at all.
I am terrified of a normal life.
When I think of what I’d do with fame - and specifically the monetary benefits - I always come to the conclusion that I am obligated to help people. I’d love to help friends, especially friends who support me now, so, several Tumblr friends as well as real-life friends. I have a potent desire to help realise the dreams of those close to me. I suppose I have a mental list of people who I would want to invest money and time in - a lot of money and time - in the event that I could. Even just things like paying for an apartment for someone to live in their dream city until they establish themselves. What’s the use of hoarding a fortune - if you’re lucky enough to earn it - when you can help those you love and live a little more modestly. It’s quite a gross amount of money for someone to earn, really. It is, in my opinion, responsible for the corruption of entertainment as an art form, or at least the quality of what is produced, and an influx of dispassionate “performers” clogging opportunities by looking to strike it rich through something they perceive as easy and glamorous.
But beyond friendship I want to help people. Money is one thing but exposure is something altogether more powerful and essential to change at a societal level. Through social media the power of words has been augmented to the point where it’s almost as if celebrities have their own social armies. At the end of the day, the exposure of fame is a commodity which is often disregarded by those who have it, or abused, but rarely used wisely. It is a commodity that, for someone like myself, has incredible value. I would take exposure over gold any day of the week.